Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay