I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.