There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Anyone want a chair?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My typo game is string.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
repaired