“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
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Air conditioning – not a fan
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide