Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.