“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
i could never be president. im overqualified.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.