Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number