There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
BETRAYAL
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.