We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
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Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery