Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Discuss
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.