A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
got so much cardio in today
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.