So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.