Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
This makes total sense…
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance