The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.