“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
what?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.