The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
any last words?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…