Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
You Might Also Like
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go