Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 馃
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Rock paper scissors but it鈥檚 just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My kid hasn鈥檛 finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
mom: you鈥檙e grounded for today
me: i can鈥檛 wait until i鈥檓 an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it鈥檚 annoying but you鈥檙e settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine鈥檚 Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I鈥檓 willing to risk it.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can鈥檛 walk down stairs