Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
You Might Also Like
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore