Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s