If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.