I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.