me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
definitely did not do anything wrong
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Has science gone too far?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
A bold strategy
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
getting groceries
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.