How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.