me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.