kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-