Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.