My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
You Might Also Like
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
The Backseat Boys
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32