80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.