There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
absolutely not
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?