Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
having children is a pyramid scheme.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind