Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
she has a point
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot