Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Haha! 😂