I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
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Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My sex drive has a dui
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.