If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me recordaron éste meme
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.