oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Battery falling down a hole
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Autocarrot sucks!
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
When I snag the last meatball.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys