Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Erm I’m gonna say no
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.