Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
You Might Also Like
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
when someone rings the doorbell
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year