so weird how every mom was born today
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.