[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
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My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
How actors in movies eat their food
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”