[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
They’re the worst 😩
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far