Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation