me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.