Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles