Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
You Might Also Like
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me