[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer