one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.