I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?