The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Body by cheese-puffs.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.