I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
me: my friends:
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12